Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Oh Fuck, I Just Ate Half A Bag Of Chips And My Dinner's On The Stove

Oh fuck, I just ate half a bag of chips and my dinner's on the stove.  I'm not even hungry anymore.  It's 9 o'clock at night and I'm not going to be hungry for another hour.  I have to work tomorrow!  I can't eat at 10 o'clock at night.  But I don't want to starve!  God dammit.  And I can't eat late and sleep on a full stomach either?!  God I'm an idiot.  This fucks everything up.  I can't believe I did this again.  Yesterday with the hummus and today with the green "mojo" wholegrain tortilla chips.  Does anyone even know what "mojo" is?  Some dried green chili pepper powder or something?  Whatever, it doesn't matter, but you're not supposed to eat that for dinner.  It could be a casual app maybe with a beer, but this is crazy. 

A whole dinner cooking over there, for nothin'.  Think of the energy I'm wasting.  My gas bill's not outrageous, but that's no reason to waste all that energy.  What if we all acted this way?  What if we all decided to cook a bunch of food we wouldn't even eat?  Cook some food, then realize you've no use for it: dump it.  Look, I'm going to put it in some Tupperware and I'll eat it later, so it won't REALLY go to waste.  But you know what I'm saying.  Look, it's just I have ballet tomorrow night and "mojo" chips are not an energizing food source or something that makes me look good in a leotard.  There.  I feel fat.  Are you happy now?  I feel like a fatty.  Eatin' all those chips.  LIKE A GLUTTON.  Go ahead, oh sure, take some more--shove 'em down!  There you go, you happy now?  Are you?  Are ya?  Happy now?  Oh, well that's just great, because now your clothes don't fit and you feel like shit.  Bravo.  Just, braaaavo, Pamela.  Slow clap. 

No, I KNOW--I'm KIDDING.  I'm just kidding about the fat thing.  I don't really feel fat, c'mon.  I'm fucking kidding.  I know I look good.  I think I could make at least a two ex-boyfriends miss me right now if they saw me.  So it's fine.  It's just all that food, it's embarrassing.  There was just such a lack of ceremony to those chips.  I wasn't even thinking, I just pushed them in there.  No ceremony at all.  With the lentils at least, they'd have been in a proper bowl and garnished with a little spring of parsley.  It would have been nice.  I would have sat down, checked Facebook, ate.  But now it's just Facebook and my lips scraped raw from the mojo powder.  Fuck!  I shouldn't have done that.


Anonymous said...

Lighten up and look up the word "leftovers" at Dictionary.com or your local real-paper book.

Anonymous said...

You really nailed it. Good on you for the hate-comment.