Omaha Steaks

The good people at Omaha Steaks are genius. Not only do they provide riveting "Conversation Cards," with such helpful party-starting topics as "What deceased person would you least want to be haunted by and why?"* but they also provide handy suggestions for recycling your old shipping containers. My favorite: "My wife and I use ours to shelter a community of feral cats in our backyard."

* Best answer so far: Hitler.

Transcripts from recent dreams

1. Canada Dream:

Me, to dream audience: So, in conclusion, Canada rules and if you don't like it, fuck you!

Dream audience bursts into polite applause.


2. Dream of getting fired:

Me: I've been REDACTED!


What, you don't transcribe your dreams?

Hams & Jams

My new Hams & Jams catalogue came in the mail today, and when I say "new" I mean my first ever. I have no idea how they got our address, but frankly it doesn't matter. When you're pitching meat-in-the-mail, I'm buying.

To start, I think I'd like the Sizzle Pack, featuring one pound of Country Smoked Bacon, 1 lb Belgian Waffle and Pancake Mix and an 12 oz bottle of Maple Syrup. Then I'll move on to the Loveless Smokehouse Special, featuring:

• 1 lb Country Smoked Bacon
  
• 2 lbs Country Smoked Sausage
  
• 12 oz Center-Cut Country Ham Slices

Then maybe I'll grab a nice jar of pumpkin butter to go with my Butter My Biscuits! gift pack, and, finally, top it off with a nice bag of Piggy Popcorn, that is to say, popcorn popped in bacon grease sprinkled with Real Country Smoked Bacon Bits.

And if that's not enough, I might for for a Whole Hog Gift Pack or two.

* Previously posted on Spinster Aunt

Things That Are Funny (contined)

"Did you Google cupcakes?"

(beat)

"Yes."

[Stolen from this movie.]

Cinnamon Toasters

Today I was eating my generic-cereal-from-a-bag and I thought, "Man these Cinnamon Toasters are SO good! How can Malt-O-Meal make such a fine product and sell it for only $1.99!?" Seriously, they're doing god's work. I mean, how can they make a product SO tasty and keep their prices SO reasonable!? It blows my mind. All I can say is this: do yourself a favor, grab some Cinnamon Toasters, a gallon of milk, and enjoy America's bounty.

Face reading, $5

Went to a psychic last night for a $5 "character-reading" special: "I'm sensing a lot of doctors around you. There are definitely blood tests in your future. Have you had any abortions recently? Also, in 2011 you will finally find true love."

Thanks, face-reading psychic!

Mike O'Connell is stealing my thoughts

Have you ever walked down the street and looked at an Asian baby and thought, "God, that's cute!" And then later, seeing another one, said, "I WANT IT!" And later maybe, say, while riding the D train, gawked at an Asian baby/toddler/child for SO LONG their parents started to get a defensive/protective/wary look on their faces?

Yeah, well, so has Mike O'Connell apparently.

When I saw this video I figured he was either stealing my thoughts or making fun of me. Granted, we've never met, but I often assume people on television can see into my soul.

Things that are funny*

1. Weekend at Bernie's jokes

* Part one of an ongoing series. Well, more of a list, really.

Tuesday

Yesterday I had a day off and was at my most Liz Lemon-y. To wit:

Co-worker (this morning): What did you do yesterday?

Me: Went to the dentist to get fitted for a mouth guard, went home and ate a brick of cheese.

Fat Camp: Day 1

In an attempt to make losing weight more "fun," I'm going to pretend I'm going to an hilarious 80s teen comedy-style fat camp. I can't wait for the dance with boys' camp across the lake!

In conclusion, the first day at fat camp went something like this:

Step 1: Highlight all the swimming, pilates, and "aquacize!" classes on my photocopied schedule from the Y.

Step 2: Say fuck it and eat some braised short ribs.

In other words, fat camp is not going well. On the upside, I'm thinking of entering Zeigler's Apple Cider Recipe Contest!

It is taking me a very long time to get through this orangeade

This orangeade is like a time machine that moves very slowly, in one direction.

Day Five

Endless cups of orangeade and not doing much of anything, really.

I'm not sure about this suffix

What is "ade" anyway? I mean, seriously, what is it? What makes something an "ade" of something else? Is it just adding sugar and water? Can you ade-ify any liquid? What about stew?

Day 4

Cher is the human version of orangeade.

Day 3: Orangeade vs. Tang

What's the difference between orangeade and Tang? Orangeade gets results.

Orangeade: Day 2

I just went to the supermarket and found out that orangeade is $1.79. I asked the man at the store and he said there was never not a time when it wasn't $1.79. Which means I only saved twenty-nine cents.

It was worth it, though.

Orangeade

I really like orangeade. It was on sale (two for $3.00) at the corner store and I bought an orangeade and a fruit punch. I don't care much for the fruit punch but I really think orangeade might be the wave of the future. I predict that orangeade will out-sell Coke in 2011.