Thursday, December 16, 2010

Omaha Steaks

The good people at Omaha Steaks are genius. Not only do they provide riveting "Conversation Cards," with such helpful party-starting topics as "What deceased person would you least want to be haunted by and why?"* but they also provide handy suggestions for recycling your old shipping containers. My favorite: "My wife and I use ours to shelter a community of feral cats in our backyard."

* Best answer so far: Hitler.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Transcripts from recent dreams

1. Canada Dream:

Me, to dream audience: So, in conclusion, Canada rules and if you don't like it, fuck you!

Dream audience bursts into polite applause.


2. Dream of getting fired:

Me: I've been REDACTED!


What, you don't transcribe your dreams?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Don't Do the 'Do

So I'm on the B45 bus heading west on Atlantic Avenue this morning, when I look up and see something that terrifies me and offends the natural laws of fashion: a 'do rag on a white boy.

Look, I'm open to expressing oneself through fashion. My idea is that if you wear it, you're already owning the look, and therefore it works.

But I say this without qualification: if you're a white boy, don't do the 'do.

Just look how scary!



Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I'll Never Wash This Hand Again

The adorbs Marc Maron.  Image courtesy wtf.com.
Do you guys have celebrity crushes?

I do.

Tonight was SUCH a special night that I was not only in the same physical space as my comic celebrity crush, Marc Maron, of the awesome, sometimes heartbreaking, always hilarious, cry-so-hard-you'll-laugh/laugh-so-hard-you'll-cry WTF podcast (it is quite a catharsis), but we even made physical contact with our hands when we shook them together!

The Sirius radio show Unmasked hosted Maron tonight, and it was on my way out that the big moment came.

I normally don't approach celebrities because it makes me self-conscious, which is a direct effect of THEM feeling self-conscious because they see me seeing them, and then we both know we're seeing each other and comprehending their public persona and it's just an awful, contrived moment.  Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, I went out on a limb tonight with Maron.  It was a small, friendly group of us there, after all, and I wasn't really holding him up, even if he was on his way to Hoboken, New Jersey. 

So as we're shaking hands I say, "I'm a big fan of your podcast, it's just really great.  Thanks again."

To which he says, "Thanks!" and then, "I've seen you before, no?"

Then, as you can imagine, I'm as RED as this tomato-kale soup I'm eating alone for dinner right now, and I decide to take our exchange to a whole new level. 

I says to him, I says to Marc Maron, I says--and I just thought of this, just off the cuff, like it just came to me!--I said:

"No."

And then I stood there for a beat longer.  And then I said something that I think really snagged his attention, "Well, thanks again!"

I sort of felt like this:


Conan O'Brien et Rebecca Romijn-Stamos

But you know, it's sort of all in vain.  He has this girlfriend.  Uugh, gag me!  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she is cool and all, but tell me, is she as cool as a thirty-something unemployed wanna-be comedian blogger?

I think the facts speak for themselves.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Marketing

I was thinking of doing a little rebranding of my blog to better target my audience.  I'm kicking around a new title:

"Oh, Hey, Andrea! I Wrote You Some Stuff. What're You Doing This Weekend?"

Or I could go shorter, a pithy:

"Hi, Andrea!"

Or I can just call it a night and go with:

"Casual Slacks."

Hams & Jams


My new Hams & Jams catalogue came in the mail today, and when I say "new" I mean my first ever. I have no idea how they got our address, but frankly it doesn't matter. When you're pitching meat-in-the-mail, I'm buying.

To start, I think I'd like the Sizzle Pack, featuring one pound of Country Smoked Bacon, 1 lb Belgian Waffle and Pancake Mix and an 12 oz bottle of Maple Syrup. Then I'll move on to the Loveless Smokehouse Special, featuring:
  • 1 lb Country Smoked Bacon
  • 2 lbs Country Smoked Sausage
  • 12 oz Center-Cut Country Ham Slices
Then maybe I'll grab a nice jar of pumpkin butter to go with my Butter My Biscuits! gift pack, and, finally, top it off with a nice bag of Piggy Popcorn, that is to say, popcorn popped in bacon grease sprinkled with Real Country Smoked Bacon Bits.

And if that's not enough, I might for for a Whole Hog Gift Pack or two.

* Previously posted on Spinster Aunt

Things That Are Funny (contined)

"Did you Google cupcakes?"

(beat)

"Yes."

[Stolen from this movie.]

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Cinnamon Toasters

Today I was eating my generic-cereal-from-a-bag and I thought, "Man these Cinnamon Toasters are SO good! How can Malt-O-Meal make such a fine product and sell it for only $1.99!?" Seriously, they're doing god's work. I mean, how can they make a product SO tasty and keep their prices SO reasonable!? It blows my mind. All I can say is this: do yourself a favor, grab some Cinnamon Toasters, a gallon of milk, and enjoy America's bounty.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Note To Self

I keep a stack of Post-It notes on my desk.

There are more wrapped in cellophane in an office supply basket on a shelf above it.  I am constantly making new lists, so I use a lot of these things.  I prefer the simple blank square pads with no writing or graphics on them because the images and jokes on the other ones distract from my note's main message, and any message that's already limited to a few words at most should be as readable as possible.  I don't want to see your sketches when I'm trying to arrange my laundry list, or when I jot down an improptu quote from The Wizard of Oz (1939) ("Silence whippersnapper!"), which is currently stuck to the lower frame of my computer monitor.  Sorry.

So, the sticky note pads with cartoons (one, from the Stik-Withit brand collection, reads, "It's not easy being Queen!" with a garland of jewels drawn at its top border) get shuffled to the bottom of the stack once a replenishment of blank ones can be provided from the supply closet of my latest office job.  Consider the cartoon note pads the plan-D, the ALDI grocery store, or the AirTran Airways of the sticky note collection: they are not my first choice, but if they come cheap enough (e.g. free) I'll take them.

I've been good about getting through the cartoon notes lately, because I just want to GET RID of the FUCKING THINGS.  So I come to the last pad in the stack, and on the top sheet of which reads a message I left for myself at least a year ago, in purple felt-tip pen, in uncharacteristically scrawled handwriting, and that I presume held enough meaning then that warranted me writing it down: 



WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Face reading, $5

Went to a psychic last night for a $5 "character-reading" special: "I'm sensing a lot of doctors around you. There are definitely blood tests in your future. Have you had any abortions recently? Also, in 2011 you will finally find true love."

Thanks, face-reading psychic!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Mike O'Connell is stealing my thoughts

Have you ever walked down the street and looked at an Asian baby and thought, "God, that's cute!" And then later, seeing another one, said, "I WANT IT!" And later maybe, say, while riding the D train, gawked at an Asian baby/toddler/child for SO LONG their parents started to get a defensive/protective/wary look on their faces?

Yeah, well, so has Mike O'Connell apparently.



When I saw this video I figured he was either stealing my thoughts or making fun of me. Granted, we've never met, but I often assume people on television can see into my soul.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Things that are funny*

1. Weekend at Bernie's jokes

* Part one of an ongoing series. Well, more of a list, really.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Tuesday

Yesterday I had a day off and was at my most Liz Lemon-y. To wit:

Co-worker (this morning): What did you do yesterday?

Me: Went to the dentist to get fitted for a mouth guard, went home and ate a brick of cheese.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Fat Camp: Day 1

In an attempt to make losing weight more "fun," I'm going to pretend I'm going to an hilarious 80s teen comedy-style fat camp. I can't wait for the dance with boys' camp across the lake!

In conclusion, the first day at fat camp went something like this:

Step 1: Highlight all the swimming, pilates, and "aquacize!" classes on my photocopied schedule from the Y.

Step 2: Say fuck it and eat some braised short ribs.

In other words, fat camp is not going well. On the upside, I'm thinking of entering Zeigler's Apple Cider Recipe Contest!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Spooners

Orangeade.  Isn't that what the astronauts drink for breakfast?  I'm not sure, but speaking of breakfast, what do you think of when you hear the word "spooners?" 

Is it this?















Or is it this?



















If you picked the second option, you might consider a career as a copywriter in cereal brand naming, because that's just what "Spooners" are.  Again to clarify, Spooners are something you put in your mouth, not what two people are who jam their genitals up against each other's rear.  Just so you know.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Friday, September 17, 2010

Day Five

Endless cups of orangeade and not doing much of anything, really.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I'm not sure about this suffix

What is "ade" anyway? I mean, seriously, what is it? What makes something an "ade" of something else? Is it just adding sugar and water? Can you ade-ify any liquid? What about stew?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Day 3: Orangeade vs. Tang

What's the difference between orangeade and Tang? Orangeade gets results.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Orangeade: Day 2

I just went to the supermarket and found out that orangeade is $1.79. I asked the man at the store and he said there was never not a time when it wasn't $1.79. Which means I only saved twenty-nine cents.

It was worth it, though.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Orangeade

I really like orangeade. It was on sale (two for $3.00) at the corner store and I bought an orangeade and a fruit punch. I don't care much for the fruit punch but I really think orangeade might be the wave of the future. I predict that orangeade will out-sell Coke in 2011.