Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Cinnamon Toasters

Today I was eating my generic-cereal-from-a-bag and I thought, "Man these Cinnamon Toasters are SO good! How can Malt-O-Meal make such a fine product and sell it for only $1.99!?" Seriously, they're doing god's work. I mean, how can they make a product SO tasty and keep their prices SO reasonable!? It blows my mind. All I can say is this: do yourself a favor, grab some Cinnamon Toasters, a gallon of milk, and enjoy America's bounty.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Note To Self

I keep a stack of Post-It notes on my desk.

There are more wrapped in cellophane in an office supply basket on a shelf above it.  I am constantly making new lists, so I use a lot of these things.  I prefer the simple blank square pads with no writing or graphics on them because the images and jokes on the other ones distract from my note's main message, and any message that's already limited to a few words at most should be as readable as possible.  I don't want to see your sketches when I'm trying to arrange my laundry list, or when I jot down an improptu quote from The Wizard of Oz (1939) ("Silence whippersnapper!"), which is currently stuck to the lower frame of my computer monitor.  Sorry.

So, the sticky note pads with cartoons (one, from the Stik-Withit brand collection, reads, "It's not easy being Queen!" with a garland of jewels drawn at its top border) get shuffled to the bottom of the stack once a replenishment of blank ones can be provided from the supply closet of my latest office job.  Consider the cartoon note pads the plan-D, the ALDI grocery store, or the AirTran Airways of the sticky note collection: they are not my first choice, but if they come cheap enough (e.g. free) I'll take them.

I've been good about getting through the cartoon notes lately, because I just want to GET RID of the FUCKING THINGS.  So I come to the last pad in the stack, and on the top sheet of which reads a message I left for myself at least a year ago, in purple felt-tip pen, in uncharacteristically scrawled handwriting, and that I presume held enough meaning then that warranted me writing it down: 


Sunday, November 21, 2010

Face reading, $5

Went to a psychic last night for a $5 "character-reading" special: "I'm sensing a lot of doctors around you. There are definitely blood tests in your future. Have you had any abortions recently? Also, in 2011 you will finally find true love."

Thanks, face-reading psychic!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Mike O'Connell is stealing my thoughts

Have you ever walked down the street and looked at an Asian baby and thought, "God, that's cute!" And then later, seeing another one, said, "I WANT IT!" And later maybe, say, while riding the D train, gawked at an Asian baby/toddler/child for SO LONG their parents started to get a defensive/protective/wary look on their faces?

Yeah, well, so has Mike O'Connell apparently.

When I saw this video I figured he was either stealing my thoughts or making fun of me. Granted, we've never met, but I often assume people on television can see into my soul.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Things that are funny*

1. Weekend at Bernie's jokes

* Part one of an ongoing series. Well, more of a list, really.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Yesterday I had a day off and was at my most Liz Lemon-y. To wit:

Co-worker (this morning): What did you do yesterday?

Me: Went to the dentist to get fitted for a mouth guard, went home and ate a brick of cheese.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Fat Camp: Day 1

In an attempt to make losing weight more "fun," I'm going to pretend I'm going to an hilarious 80s teen comedy-style fat camp. I can't wait for the dance with boys' camp across the lake!

In conclusion, the first day at fat camp went something like this:

Step 1: Highlight all the swimming, pilates, and "aquacize!" classes on my photocopied schedule from the Y.

Step 2: Say fuck it and eat some braised short ribs.

In other words, fat camp is not going well. On the upside, I'm thinking of entering Zeigler's Apple Cider Recipe Contest!