Thursday, December 16, 2010

Omaha Steaks

The good people at Omaha Steaks are genius. Not only do they provide riveting "Conversation Cards," with such helpful party-starting topics as "What deceased person would you least want to be haunted by and why?"* but they also provide handy suggestions for recycling your old shipping containers. My favorite: "My wife and I use ours to shelter a community of feral cats in our backyard."

* Best answer so far: Hitler.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Transcripts from recent dreams

1. Canada Dream:

Me, to dream audience: So, in conclusion, Canada rules and if you don't like it, fuck you!

Dream audience bursts into polite applause.


2. Dream of getting fired:

Me: I've been REDACTED!


What, you don't transcribe your dreams?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Don't Do the 'Do

So I'm on the B45 bus heading west on Atlantic Avenue this morning, when I look up and see something that terrifies me and offends the natural laws of fashion: a 'do rag on a white boy.

Look, I'm open to expressing oneself through fashion. My idea is that if you wear it, you're already owning the look, and therefore it works.

But I say this without qualification: if you're a white boy, don't do the 'do.

Just look how scary!



Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I'll Never Wash This Hand Again

The adorbs Marc Maron.  Image courtesy wtf.com.
Do you guys have celebrity crushes?

I do.

Tonight was SUCH a special night that I was not only in the same physical space as my comic celebrity crush, Marc Maron, of the awesome, sometimes heartbreaking, always hilarious, cry-so-hard-you'll-laugh/laugh-so-hard-you'll-cry WTF podcast (it is quite a catharsis), but we even made physical contact with our hands when we shook them together!

The Sirius radio show Unmasked hosted Maron tonight, and it was on my way out that the big moment came.

I normally don't approach celebrities because it makes me self-conscious, which is a direct effect of THEM feeling self-conscious because they see me seeing them, and then we both know we're seeing each other and comprehending their public persona and it's just an awful, contrived moment.  Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, I went out on a limb tonight with Maron.  It was a small, friendly group of us there, after all, and I wasn't really holding him up, even if he was on his way to Hoboken, New Jersey. 

So as we're shaking hands I say, "I'm a big fan of your podcast, it's just really great.  Thanks again."

To which he says, "Thanks!" and then, "I've seen you before, no?"

Then, as you can imagine, I'm as RED as this tomato-kale soup I'm eating alone for dinner right now, and I decide to take our exchange to a whole new level. 

I says to him, I says to Marc Maron, I says--and I just thought of this, just off the cuff, like it just came to me!--I said:

"No."

And then I stood there for a beat longer.  And then I said something that I think really snagged his attention, "Well, thanks again!"

I sort of felt like this:


Conan O'Brien et Rebecca Romijn-Stamos

But you know, it's sort of all in vain.  He has this girlfriend.  Uugh, gag me!  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she is cool and all, but tell me, is she as cool as a thirty-something unemployed wanna-be comedian blogger?

I think the facts speak for themselves.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Marketing

I was thinking of doing a little rebranding of my blog to better target my audience.  I'm kicking around a new title:

"Oh, Hey, Andrea! I Wrote You Some Stuff. What're You Doing This Weekend?"

Or I could go shorter, a pithy:

"Hi, Andrea!"

Or I can just call it a night and go with:

"Casual Slacks."

Hams & Jams


My new Hams & Jams catalogue came in the mail today, and when I say "new" I mean my first ever. I have no idea how they got our address, but frankly it doesn't matter. When you're pitching meat-in-the-mail, I'm buying.

To start, I think I'd like the Sizzle Pack, featuring one pound of Country Smoked Bacon, 1 lb Belgian Waffle and Pancake Mix and an 12 oz bottle of Maple Syrup. Then I'll move on to the Loveless Smokehouse Special, featuring:
  • 1 lb Country Smoked Bacon
  • 2 lbs Country Smoked Sausage
  • 12 oz Center-Cut Country Ham Slices
Then maybe I'll grab a nice jar of pumpkin butter to go with my Butter My Biscuits! gift pack, and, finally, top it off with a nice bag of Piggy Popcorn, that is to say, popcorn popped in bacon grease sprinkled with Real Country Smoked Bacon Bits.

And if that's not enough, I might for for a Whole Hog Gift Pack or two.

* Previously posted on Spinster Aunt

Things That Are Funny (contined)

"Did you Google cupcakes?"

(beat)

"Yes."

[Stolen from this movie.]