Friday, April 29, 2011

How to upstage the bride

Sometimes you can upstage the bride by looking better than her, or almost better (viz. Pippa Middleton). And sometimes you can wear something so horribly hideous and distracting that you will blind all the other guests to anything but your strangely monochrome, raccoon-eyed, caduceus-hatted self. Either way, you'll get the attention you so badly crave.

In the funniest coverage of this hat I've found so far, Helen Popkin calls it the Cthulhu hat, saying Bea's choice to wear a "chapeau representing a 'monster of vaguely anthropoid outline' ... really paid off."

P.S. For the record, I loved Princess Eugenie's whole outfit. Sincerely. This is actually what I wear to the Casual Slacks office most days.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Something funny on the internet

I actually found something on Gawker that made me laugh out loud (it's been a rather slow day at the office). Re: Jennifer Aniston's new WV apartment:

"...[w]e should focus on that lonely widow's walk of a terrace. Look at all that terrace space! Perfect for standing and looking out forlornly at the busy city, so full of happy people... On occasion, the neighborhood kids down in the street will suddenly stop playing, feeling a strange chill and melancholy in their bones, and they will look up and swear they can see sad Jen up there in her aerie of isolation. But their mothers will come and shoo them away, feeling themselves as if a cold cloud has passed over their hearts."

Tee hee! Oh I love laughing at her pain! Extra points to author Richard Lawson for "widow's walk" and "aerie."

Cross post, whiskey-related

If you're an avid reader of Spinster Aunt, this will be old news to you. But if you're not*, here's some new news:

According to my good friends at the Canadian Press, women are just discovering this awesome new thing called bourbon.

"I think there's this sense of relief that finally we were at a point where we can be taken seriously as women who enjoy bourbon and the lifestyle that accompanies it," said Mary Quinn Ramer, a founding board member from Lexington.

And man, what a lifestyle it is. It's pretty much all success all the time.

Here's another fun fact: "Bill Samuels Sr., concocted the Maker's Mark recipe in the 1950s, but it was his mother, Margie, who coined the brand's name and came up with the idea of adorning the bottles with dripping red wax."

I'm thinking Mama Margie's "idea" came about kinda like this: "Oh fuck me, I spilt the goddam wax again!"

* If you're not reading Spinster Aunt, WTF?

Friday, April 15, 2011

Sexy Pete Doherty

Today at work a coworker was tasked with researching images of Pete Doherty.  The tension read on his face and the email chain below is real, though his name has been changed.

On Apr 15, 2011, at 10:10 AM, P.L. wrote:
If you keep knitting your brow so hard it's going to stay that way....

On Apr 15, 2011, at 10:12 AM, Mario wrote:
A good morning to you as well, Pamela!
It is already too late for my brows...

On Apr 15, 2011, at 10:14 AM, P.L. wrote:
You’re so serious over there!!!!!! sooooooooooo serious.....

On Apr 15, 2011, at 10:18 AM, Mario wrote:
I would really like to know how you would look if you had to search for SEXY Pete Doherty photos…


On Apr 15, 2011, at 10:20 AM, P.L. wrote:
touche, sir.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Extra Fancy

Squash here!  Get your squash here!  Extra fancy squash for sale!

"Who ever heard of 'extra fancy' squash!?!!  LOL!!!  'Oohh, well, only EXTRA fancy squash for MOI, thankyouverymuch! Now come along it's time for tea!  Ho-ho, I say, I quite love those dangly-bits of the exxxxtra fahncy variety!!' What are you even TALKING ABOUT, oh my god!!"  I exclaimed inside my head.

So I did some hard research (Googled it) before I started shooting my mouth off, and it's a good thing, because it turns out the US government actually has a "fancy" classification for produce.  BUT NOT FOR SUMMER SQUASH.  For nectarines?  You bet.  Carrots?  Nope.  Okra, strawberries, onions?  No, no and no.  How about Apples?  Totally.  An apple can totally be fancy.  Let those MFers eat cake.  But summer squash?  Guys, summer squash can only get one of two grades:

  • 51.4051 U.S. No. 1.
  • 51.4052 U.S. No. 2.

And there is nothing fancy about that.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Gone Junking for a "Sensuous Man"

What a day to go junking!

Sometimes something so awesome comes along that all you can say to yourself in the face of its breathtaking awesomeness is, "This is some awesome shit."

Such is what happened to me when I found a treasure tucked away in a brown box of free shit at 3rd Place and Henry Street.  There was a lot of free shit on the stoops today--spring cleaning, I guess.  I saw a Wishbone dog VHS tape, a scrambled assortment of plastic army men, and a medieval castle playset that had a real drawbridge!

I also saw acrylic paints, a stained sheet, and a movie about the solar system.  All solid finds.  I took none of them.  I don't know, but in retrospect I must have had a psychic instinct to hold out for something better.  "Be patient, Pamela, some awesome shit is about to come your way," my inner voice intoned, I think.  I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

But the crux of the issue is this: the weather was very nice and I wanted to trip lightly through the streets, and my bag was already bogged down with a bag of jelly beans I had in there.

Onward I went until there it was, like a musty piece of trash rotting in the tepid fallout of the BQE:

Ladies and gentlemen, I've met my match.

I haven't gotten very far into Dell Publishing's 1971 book The Sensuous Man ("the first how-to book for the man who wants to be a great lover") yet, but a cursory view of the table of contents tells me chapter 12 subsection "Over the Hump--or Sex During Pregnancy" is going intrigue.

The oral technique of "The Velvet Buzz Saw" described in chapter 8 sounds terrifying, but "The Strawberry Suckle" sounds simply delicious!

Chapter 13, subsection "Every Twenty-Eight Days! Red, Red Everywhere" reminds me, take heed, for this is not a book that can be read, read everywhere, like on the subway, at your mom's house, or at a children's playground, for example.

I will have to select my places of reading wisely, so as to appear as a fit member of society.  Regardless, stay tuned!  I plan to share many, many, MANY quotes.

For all you fellas out there, you can thank me later.  IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!!!!  LOLOLOL!!!!!!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

How Do I Look?

Dear My Italian Friend,

Tonight I am eating my pasta in a way that would shame you at your family dinner table.  I know because you've given me this look before when I was sitting at your family dinner table.  If a record player were in the room that night the needle would have slipped off of it in a screechy way, as if to ask the question in its own record player-y way, "What's wrong with you, sloppy American girl?"

But it is just too late (10:50PM) and I am SO HUNGRY.

If you only KNEW how hungry!!!!!!