What shall I be today?

Looking for jobs is fun. I like to imagine all the interesting careers I could have, like so many schizophrenic, overqualified Barbies. What shall I be today? Perhaps a Kidney and Liver Transplant Specialist? Or maybe a Head Lice Removal Specialist? So many choices!

How to be a VIB Part III: Learn Cutting Edge Technology

If you can master complex systems like Facebook and Twitter, this $115k/year government job might be right for you! Remember though, social media is a grave responsibility, and you probably can't handle it unless you have the emotional maturity of someone at least 22 years old.

How to be a Very Important Businesswoman

Innovative millennial job-hunting tactics here for those interested in becoming a "general scientist" (I prefer the term scientician myself) or game designer ("Employee will responsible for making up a fun game"). The fact that I'm way too old to be considered part of this group but still find this article amusing is funny in a sad way, like Liza Minnelli. On a related note, the odious Christopher Buckley offers something to be enraged about in this month's Atlantic when he writes about an hilarious episode in his life in which he moved back home: "I don't have the statistics for this, but it's quite possible, in this economy, that even some recent college grads are."

New blog ideas

Why, I say, limit myself to just Casual Slacks? Why not start a blog called.... "Elegant Lounge Wear!?" Or "Vast Oeuvre!" Or "Suspiciously Milky Tea?" I'm telling you people, I have a LOT of ideas right now!

Omaha Steaks

The good people at Omaha Steaks are genius. Not only do they provide riveting "Conversation Cards," with such helpful party-starting topics as "What deceased person would you least want to be haunted by and why?"* but they also provide handy suggestions for recycling your old shipping containers. My favorite: "My wife and I use ours to shelter a community of feral cats in our backyard."

* Best answer so far: Hitler.

Transcripts from recent dreams

1. Canada Dream:

Me, to dream audience: So, in conclusion, Canada rules and if you don't like it, fuck you!

Dream audience bursts into polite applause.


2. Dream of getting fired:

Me: I've been REDACTED!


What, you don't transcribe your dreams?

Hams & Jams

My new Hams & Jams catalogue came in the mail today, and when I say "new" I mean my first ever. I have no idea how they got our address, but frankly it doesn't matter. When you're pitching meat-in-the-mail, I'm buying.

To start, I think I'd like the Sizzle Pack, featuring one pound of Country Smoked Bacon, 1 lb Belgian Waffle and Pancake Mix and an 12 oz bottle of Maple Syrup. Then I'll move on to the Loveless Smokehouse Special, featuring:

• 1 lb Country Smoked Bacon
  
• 2 lbs Country Smoked Sausage
  
• 12 oz Center-Cut Country Ham Slices

Then maybe I'll grab a nice jar of pumpkin butter to go with my Butter My Biscuits! gift pack, and, finally, top it off with a nice bag of Piggy Popcorn, that is to say, popcorn popped in bacon grease sprinkled with Real Country Smoked Bacon Bits.

And if that's not enough, I might for for a Whole Hog Gift Pack or two.

* Previously posted on Spinster Aunt